Humor Me

[SUPERMAN]

Someone requested a humor topic.  So in an attempt to satisfy, I'll make this thread sticky so it stays at the top of the page.  Let's kick it off with some political humor, shall we? 


What Should We Do With Osama Bin Laden?

"Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban."

[Thorolf]

Make him a contestant on the show Big Brother.

[Thorolf]

Or the Ultimate Fighter.

[SUPERMAN]

Now that would be fun to watch.

[Corrigan37]

I think living as a woman under the taliban is the best idea yet.. lol
Just make sure you set him up with a nice mean master who loves to discipline his wife

[allthegoodnamesweretaken]

I think living as a woman under the taliban is the best idea yet.. lol
Just make sure you set him up with a nice mean master who loves to discipline his wife

As far as I know, they don't typically graft hymens as a part of sex change operations.  That ought to get him stoned in the bad way.

all

[Corrigan37]

I love playing sudoku and i've been playing it here at BC ..
I'm not as fast as the timer says  I should be i guess..Although i've never done it racing the clock..
I'm getting better tho..
Anyways it's fun

Just in case anyone cared..

*chuckle* 

[Acumen]

That's why it's there!  We also have a new and improved homepage with a wealth of religious, political, and international news information. 

[allthegoodnamesweretaken]

Yep, my wife says I can out dark, Dexter. 

I think it's funny anyway.

all

[Hatman]

Sure, that's a great idea; don't love your enemies, torture them.

Ha-ha-ha.

I'm thinkin' that this is not the sort of thing the Messiah is gonna approve of, much.

How about some actual jokes?

I'll start:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter.

He won't come anyway...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man went to the proctologist.  Seated on the exam table in his little paper gown, he watched as a nurse wheeled in a cart, then left.
On the cart was a jar of KY jelly, a pair of rubber gloves, and a bottle of beer.
After about 45 minutes, the doc finally showed up.
The man said "Doc?  I've been sitting here awhile..."
"Yeah, sorry about that," interrupted the doc.
"That's ok," replied the man, "It gave me a chance to think.  Now, I know what the KY's for, and I know what the gloves are for, but what in the world is the bottle of beer for?"
The doc got a disgusted look on his face, then walked to the door and hollered down the hall, "Nurse!  I thought I told you to bring me a BUTT Light!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Warmest regards-

Hatman

[Faithfulee]

I love the title

I was the one that recommended the topic but I thought it would be a good place to put aside the serious stuff (like politics) and have a good laugh.  Sometimes at ourselves.

Smething like:





A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" 

She  replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure or don't know what a 710 is Click Here

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg


. . .WAY TOO FUNNY

[Corrigan37]

LOL that was great I loved it!

[Hatman]

Chicago-
Speaking of viagra, did you hear about the two guys that hijacked a truck full of viagre?
Police have issued an all-points bulletin; they're on the lookout for two hardened criminals...

Warmest regards-

Hatman

[sobeit9]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

[Faithfulee]

Chicago-
Speaking of viagra, did you hear about the two guys that hijacked a truck full of viagre?
Police have issued an all-points bulletin; they're on the lookout for two hardened criminals...

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Hatman my friend,  that was one of the funniest things you have ever posted here.  I am still laughing. . .got any more.

This is more subtle,

“Well, the conference met today and appointed a commission to meet tomorrow and appoint a delegation which will eventually appoint a subcommittee to draw up ways and means of finding out what to start with first.” —Will Rogers]

[Hatman]

NJ-
I love Will Rogers; one of my favorite lines of his goes:  "There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one of 'em works."

Here's some more I've saved:

"One of these days they are going to remove so much of the 'hooey' and the thousands of things the schools have become clogged up with, and we will find that we can educate our broods for about one-tenth of the price and learn 'em something that they might accidentally use after they escape."
-- Will Rogers(1879-1935) American humorist

"If we have Senators and Congressmen there that can't protect themselves against the evil temptations of lobbyists, we don't need to change our lobbies, we need to change our representatives."
-- Will Rogers(1879-1935) American humorist

"You can have all the advanced war methods you want, but, after all, nobody has ever invented a war that you don't have to have somebody in the guise of soldiers to stop the bullets."
-- Will Rogers, (1879-1935) American humorist

"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."
-- Will Rogers, (1879-1935) American humorist

"How is the government going to get the extra taxes?  Out of the rich -- or just out of the poor, as usual?"
-- Will Rogers(1879-1935) American humorist

“I am the first acknowledged comedian to receive a vote for the Presidency—not the first comedian, mind you, but the first acknowledged one.” —Will Rogers

“Every day you meet a delegation going to some convention to try and change the way of somebody else’s life.” —Will Rogers

"It will take America fifteen years of steady taking care of our own business and letting everybody else's alone, to get us back to where everybody speaks to us again."
-- Will Rogers (1879-1935) American humorist

"Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!"
-- Will Rogers (1879-1935) American humorist

"A foreigner coming here and reading the Congressional Record would say that the President of the United States was elected solely for the purpose of giving Senators somebody to call a horse thief."
-- Will Rogers (1879-1935) American humorist

"That's what a Congressman or a Senator is for -- to see that too much money don't accumulate in the national Treasury."
-- Will Rogers(1879-1935) American humorist

Warmest regards-

Hatman

[Corrigan37]

They have viagra eye drops out now..

Just in case you want to just "look" hard

lol

That was bad yes?
I should repent..

Jesus save me!

[Faithfulee]

Thaht was wicked

Here is one I am sure you will like

THE MEMORIAL STONE

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair,
 his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jody, and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500... I donated $500 to the synagogue... the whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500... and the rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone?   My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

[Hatman]

NJ-
That was a good one.

I just got one in the mail today; a little corny, but cute:

A man had just run out of gas and coasted to the side of the road; he rolled down the window and prepared to get out and walk to the nearest station for a gallon, when in flew a bee! 
The bee said "What seems to be the trouble?"
Playing along, the man replied, "Well, I ran out of gas."
"Wait here for a few minutes," the bee said, "And I'll see what I can do."
Within 2 minutes, the bee had returned with an entire swarm.
"Open up your gas cap," said the bee; when the man did so, all the bees went inside; a minute or two later, they emerged and flew off.  One bee stopped and said, "Try it now."
The car started right up.
"Wow!" said the man, "What in the world did y'all put in my gas tank?"

"BP," replied the bee.

Yeah, I know---a groaner and a freckle corny, but it has the nice surprise(unexpected) punch line.

Getting back to the viagra for a minute, did you know that they're giving it away to the old men in the retirement homes?  Keeps 'em from rolling out of bed at night...

Warmest regards-

Hatman

[Faithfulee]

Hatman

Do you have two heads??

I like the funny one much better

Regards, Lee